Posted by: jamesotis | August 19, 2008

The Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.

If you believe yourself to be demonically possessed, press 666.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9966.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you are merely a neurotic mess or borderline, you have already pushed everyone’s buttons.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.


If you are ambivalent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes.

If you are taking sedatives press each number from 9 to 1 backwards, and then leave your name and number when you hear the beep.

If you would like to speak to a physician, pleased be advised that your plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you can receive this service, which has been designated nonessential.”

If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0” for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.




If you have amnesia and are still reading this, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.


Variants of my favorite greeting card. Any contributions?



  1. If you have ADD, Oh look! A squirrel! Ignore the squirrel. Be advised that the operator cannot help you remember why you were calling before you saw the squirrel.

  2. If you are feeling suicidal, don’t jump. Stay on the line and someone will assist you shortly.

    If you are in a hurry, you’ve reached a non-working number. Please hang up and try again.

  3. I have ADD, and found “my” official option and Marge’s added suggestion to both be hysterically appropriate. Ooh, look, something shiny…

  4. I love ’em Marge! Just what I needed in a downswing.

    And Tidds, welcome. I’d love 2c ur homepage when you have it up n running (Run!, run for your lives… 😉 ).

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