Posted by: jamesotis | April 8, 2009

My brain needs viagra

Here I go again. My traumatic brain injury takes yet another step back before lunging forward towards normalcy. I’m coming up on my three year aniversary and have come farther in that time than most survivors with similar injuries do in six.

It can still be a bitch. The wild mood swings (Tarzan has nothing on me), the sheer lack of focus, sensitivity to touch, sound and light, and of course the “inappropriate emotional responses.” By which I mean bursting into tears for no apparent reason or having the urges to scream at or assault total strangers for unacceptable child rearing, clumsiness and failure to think. Only my past experiences tell me that I’m doing all of the above, children excepted. I have all the grace and poise from Just My Luck. I can think as far ahead as the next three steps, but only if I let go of the present task. Which I may do any way.

Right now I’m only surviving on my willingness to go with the flow. As something comes to mind I deal with it immediately and to the best of my ability and copious notes. I loose and forget hard copy and thus am slowly getting full sleeve ink. My stream of consciousness is flooding.

All of this comes when I’m supposed to be lining up new living quarters, a new and better paying job(s) and educational choices for the fall semester with the requisite financial aid. To include whipping my finances and filing into shape and lunging for rapidly expiring deadlines.

I’d better head for home. I just caught myself blanking out. That’s not just my aforementioned ditsy focus wherein I do 7 things at once and none of them well. It’s what happens when I try to focus. My mind and indeed all senses go blank.

All I can do is to grin and bear it. I have to limit my music and movies/TV intake, can’t have caffeine, alcohol, sedatives, sugar, chocolate, antidepressants or anything else that would normally help. It’s wise to limit social interaction, noisy situations, high frequency noise (tires, HVAC systems, machinery etc), fluorescent lighting and to sleep as much as I can by night and as little as possible by day.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought of taking a pack and hitting the hills or road for good. My self esteem gets particularly low at these times. There’s things that I can’t say because the ensuing mayhem would be indescribable. There are things I can’t do even though failure could be catastrophic.

If you don’t get my title listen to the video’s lyrics.

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Responses

  1. Have I mentioned lately that I admire you?
    I do.


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